Movin' Out

Jesse: Dogs love to move. Maybe it's because dogs love conveyancing at moveme.com and a chance to get their paws all over that is like finding a scrumptious heap of vomit getting all toasty in the sun. The layout is all Picasso blue period without the emaciation which appeals to dogs because their color vision is slanted to the green end of the spectrum and ladies with sweet headsets remind them of their rambunctious youths, little pups rolling around in endless green fields.

But it's not all fun and games. When you need a conveyancing quote you need a conveyancing quote, its like the call of nature in some ways, and its not like you can just stroll down to the 7-11 or your local "We Sell Your Stuff on E-Bay" store to pick one up. Dogs understand this. They don't show it, but that look, the one they give you when you come out of the bathroom and they're just standing their next to the door, a little judgmental, a little wise, it's a real understanding of the demands of conveyancing and market fluctuation and the vagaries of moving in our fast-paced modern world.

But its cheap conveyancing that's important, you know. It's especially key for a dog, whose liquid assets are all expended on fire hydrants and who doesn't ever have much cash on hand. Moving can be hard on a dog. Their love for new experiences is what makes them so appealing in some ways but a lot of it is a front. As pack animals they need to be strong, to back the choices of the leader without question or any kind of obstinance. In nature that would get them nipped in the butt without a second thought. In the domestic world you're the leader of the pack and your dog will follow you wherever you ask him to. But try to keep his feelings in mind and realize that cheap conveyancing makes his dreams a little sweeter as he nods off to sleep in front of the stove.

Dogloo

Jesse: Did dogs ever really routinely live in dog houses or is this yet another fabricated myth of magical pre-hippie America, like sock-hops or the Fonz? There's no way of knowing for sure but I recently recently found a dogloo abandoned in some dense brush and it was like stumbling upon the ruins of a lost civilization.

Wolves

Jesse: Maybe science has theorized this already but I feel like dogs are just wolves who thousands of years of coddling and puppy treats have left severely mentally retarded. Which, like child-safety guards on outlets, is probably for the best. Having a wolf for a pet would involve constantly outwitting it as it repeatedly hatched brilliant schemes to eat you while you were sleeping or looking into the fridge or in the bath. Sure, complain the next time Fido wedges his head in the banister, but remember you're only a few IQ points away from him eating you and all of your relatives.

Lisa: A ginger dog is a most wonderful thing; this one in particular is something special, do you see

Dogs Eating Our Blogwork

The dog-ate-my-homework legend actually started in the 18th century, when certain breeds of dogs were trained by professionals of low moral standing to snatch important papers straight from the hands of their rivals. It worked in a sense, until the victims started training passenger pigeons to steal the papers back from the dogs and London started to look like that scene in The Birds where the birds break through the window of the doggie day-care center. The bobbies had to blow their whistles until everyone got a hold of themselves and the streets were covered in doo. Yes it's an unfortunate anecdote, but it proves that there is some historical validity to the whole thing and kids who used it back in the day weren't as obviously yanking the chain as it may seem to our modern minds. Anyway, to summarize: a dog got into this blog and ate the last four months of posts. What a strange coincidence.

Dogs of War

Jesse: This guy somehow looks like even more of a dope when you consider him in comparison with the cold efficiency of this two-legged killing machine. You may have to operate the gun yourself but with it you can bring down any number of things: deer, bison, pickup trucks, low-flying helicopters. This dog could maybe kill a rabbit but only after scrambling through the bushes on some madcap Maramaduke-style chase around circles with this pathetic coup de grâce where it slips and crushes the poor creature with its tremendous cornfed ass. Then you're eating hot pockets for dinner while Bongo here looks at you like you've just asked him to find the square root of Kentucky.

and Julius Rosenberg on alto clarinet

Jesse: You hear about this dame they got on the piano tonight? She's a real dog. Louis B. Mayer over here thinks its a laugh riot.

Babes in the Wood

Jesse: As the Greek god of juniper, deep-sea fishing and postal deliveries, Actaeon always had some dogs scrambling around underfoot, so when he bursts into this scene with two yappers at his heels its no suprise. But what else is going on here? Are all these thick naked ladies standing in as a gaggle of vernal fertility symbols? Do they represent the spoils of the hunt? Feminine mystique? Nah man those are just some titties.

Dogsong

Jesse:

Every dog is like a puzzle
every dog has its own charms
so before you put on that muzzle
think of Ol' Yeller back on the farm

(chorus)
YEAH
some dogs are good
some dogs are bad
but all dogs need a helpin' hand
doggs who are rude
dogs who are sad
help make this a better land


I like to think that somewhere a man is sitting at his piano furiously furrowing his brow over the precise lyrics for the next infectious jingle that's going to have us all rushing out to stock up on Puppy Chow or donate our nickels to Pals for Pups or some other vaguely sweet-sounding charity. He can use this one if he wants.

Lisa: Jesse I told you to stay out of my room

Bo

Jesse: Motherfucker's all "no comment" sniffin nonchalant at that boom and trotting around the grounds like he owns the place (which he does), these reporters scrambling along behind all out of breath trying for an interview. Afternoons spent nosing around the new digs, fetchin' shit, uncovering a secret terrorist cell among the gardening staff and digging up some evidence behind the new herb garden. Obama's like "good boy" with the thousand watt smile and those guys are shipped off to Guantanamo post-haste. There hasn't been a hound this bad in the White House since Rover Eisenhower bit into Kruschev's wingtip and refused to let go.

The Mutt Man

Jesse: This guy is pretty into dogs but I'm more concerned about where he got that vest and how they managed to shoot this inside of a lung.

Dog Art

Jesse: Art is cool because its so full of layers and meanings. Like this piece for example, what's the story behind it? Maybe this dude was just out for a nice stroll on the lea behind his estate when out of nowhere this dog bursts through the treeline and fucking bulldozes this stag like Warren Sapp flattening some puny quarterback and the guy was like "awwww shit, ima paint this" Or maybe it's nothing at all like that and the dog is just whispering something delighftully observant in the stag's ear.

Lisa: I've never seen a dog with antlers before but considering the way things are up North where it gets really cold I guess it's not much of a surprise. WHat a fun thing it must be to ride on a sled pulled by man's best friend and it's pretty common knowledge that dogs have very good eyesight which begs the question why does Santa use reindeer when dogs would have a much easier time navigating their way through airspace

New York's Alright (If You Like Milkbones)

Jesse: Something serious was going on with NYC dogs back in the day. We've all seen The French Connection and know the city was pretty foul around this point but this hardly gets at the sheer amount of fucking biting that must have been going on: with stats like these you probably couldn't get from your apartment to the corner bodega without five daschunds latching on to different sections of your leg. What was behind this? Rabies epidemic? Post-hippie disillusionment? Part of me likes to imagine that dogs are big sticklers for human propriety and the image of so many junkies and deadbeats sleeping half in a garbage can and half on a park bench sent them into a frenzy of civic responsibility.

Lisa: Once on the subway I saw a dog he was wearing a vest and I was so surprised my foot missed the last step and went tumbling to the ground. The only thing I could do at this point of course was get up pet the dog and continue on my way, but as I approached the blond pup a woman that I did not know PLEASE DO NOT PET THE DOG WHILE HE'S WORKING and I decided I didn't even want to go out anymore so I turned around and went home.

MORALITY

Angel: "Morris you don't really want to eat that birthday cake off the counter. You're a fine animal, not a junkyard cur, please don't behave like one. You don't even like frosting. Remember your dear mother, Morris, remember"

Devil: "Wait a second I'm a cow what am I doing here"

Badder Dogz

Jesse: The amount of things that have gone wrong here is astounding. If this dog is a laid-back, cigarette-mouthed louche then why is he holding an ax? Is the indecent exposure posture another bad-dog signifier or just a disgusting goof? Then there's the change in tone between the picture and the sidebar caption. Is English not this person's first language? At whom is this message directed? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU WHEN A PHONE NUMBER IS NOT PROVIDED

Bad Dogz

Jesse: People talk a lot about prison reform nowadays but like it or not the pound is still out there and it still sucks. When you're a dog you can get picked up for just hanging out on the corner without your ID, to a place where there's no cable TV or weight room or conversion to Islam to take up your time. The only luxury at the pound is that no one stops you from eating bugs. It's basically like Nazi Germany except leaving the house without your papers gets you crammed in a tiny dog-filled cell where mournful howling is the national pastime.

The Internet

Jesse: This picture will figure prominently in the events of the year 2012, when President Obama has left America for a white woman and the Supreme Court is in the process of declaring the internet unconstitutional. This will be their only piece of evidence.

This is the first post in a series examining the issue of bad behavior in dogs.

He Lost it in a Panting Accident

Jesse: Like always technology is a double-edged sword. Sure this guy is going to have the time of his life jouncing around merrily on his bouncy new prosthetic leg, looking like the belle of the ball when he leaps 40 feet in the air to cath an errant frisbee. But those amazing carts on which scruffy little amputees wheel around their precious little stumps? You can say goodbye to them forever. Face facts guys the future is a coldly efficient place where cuteness will soon be dismissed as "illogical".

Mangel

Jesse: Angel or not, that dog is a heartbeat away from eating the cinammon doughnut floating above his head. Three minutes later it will be back on the carpet in a moist pile while he snaps those wings in two trying to connect his head to his ass.

Lisa: Ghosts~

Meat Hound

Jesse: Slavering meat hounds may not be as intimidating as those angry painted noses with all the teeth but keep in mind that the Japanese have an intense, abiding fear of dogs. This is why the "asian people eat dogs" myth exists. They do eat dogs, not because they want to but because ancient lore instructs that the only way to banish the otherwise immortal spirit of a demon hound (goumou-ryouken kanashimi) is to season it with mirin, ginger and some daikon radish.

Lisa: You know when your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you end up with a hamburger the size of your head? Well I was eating one the other day, it was very hard, and naturally I couldn't finish it because I'm rather small. Anyway, I feel very sad when I do this because things are starving all over the world, and I thought "gee I wish I had a dog right now, he would finish this for me!"

Science

Jesse: So when you add a spotted dog and a non-spotted dog the result is never a spotted one; everyone knows that. The thing is though, when one of those dogs becomes a racing greyhound and is then stared at with utmost seriousness by his owner outside of the dogtrack, he will feel more comfortable acting as a living ventilator , standing on a platform and staring (in the same way) at a rabbit mounted on a stick, allowing the owner many leisurely afternoons relaxing in his favorite armchair, no longer needing to breathe on his own. Now you see?

Lisa: I don't know what's happening, is that a real rabbit or a stuffed one? I do wish people wouldn't hurt innocent animals just to prove a point.

His and Furs

Jesse: Yeah divorce is hard for the kids but face it their self esteem was probably not so hot in the first place and at least it gives them an excuse to cling to when they're a forty-eight year old shoe store employee suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, bad credit and crippling depression. Dogs on the other hand have no inherent problems but end up getting sub-divided into these demarcated zones, looking all like 19th century Africa, trying to smile even though getting pet so much in one area makes their fur burn. Shit's tough.

Lisa: I was unaware that dogs have maps but what an interesting thing. Now when I pet a dog I can pretend that I am traveling; there are places I've never been, like West for example, and now I can pet West and what a fine place it is out there! Also the South is nice too, who doesn't love a good belly rub!!! It makes a lot of sense that I live in the Northeast, wagging tails are the most fun of all things dog. You know how humans used to have tails like a long time ago? Well I bet mine was wagging lots and lots way back then.

REAL DIRTLESS GRASS

Jesse: As far as I can tell this is a raised, grass-covered platform designed for your pet to poop on. It may also double as a raft in flood situations.

Lisa: Some magic is happening.

Doggie Do

Jesse: Back in the '70s everybody's hair was getting crazy, so when you have a cool customer like Roscoe here you better believe he was on top of this trend, sporting locks that had the ladies sighing and carpet sellers doubting their own principles. Seeing him ride in a convertible must have been like watching a cotton ball dangling in a wind turbine.


Lisa: Oh my goodness do you see the belly on that girl? Great dog (which one?! har har har).

Pipe Dreamz

Lisa: Oh gosh well this makes me uneasy for several reasons, I'll begin the way the dog's eyes are glowing. In my heart of hearts I realize this is merely a result of the camera's flash but you can't help but get the chills when you see this otherwise adorable baby looking a little mean. I'm having a hard time understanding the goings-on in this photograph; it looks to me like friendship but you really can't be sure.

Jesse: Its tough being a dog for the times when you just need to get away and have a thought to yourself without getting all hassled and petted and rescued from inside a pipe by a hunky beefcake who supplements his rescue hero salary by posing for the covers of romance novels. One day a dog may be able to rest comfortably inside a pipe in peace and until then we'll never be a real democracy will we?

Upright (Everything's Alright)

Jesse: This is like the Tiny Tim of dogs, hobbling about on pathetic makeshift crutches, unable even to eat his own poop without a sad, protracted struggle.

Lisa: oh you guys i told you dogs are wonderful not just for companionship but also because they can be helpful around the house; i realize that this dog surely is an exceptionally talented fella (some might call him a perfectionist) but his doggy friends at the very least are able to eat things up off the floor and herd the children into another room. some dogs, unable to properly handle a pooper scooper, will go as far as to eat their own poo off the ground. this, of course, is not recommended; however there have been some claims that it keeps their coats shiny.

The Fox and the Houndblog

Jesse: The UK still has a lingering guilt complex over all those years of fox hunts, so when the old feelings bubble up instead of getting all snot and tears they simply switch over to Lord Beverly Rides Again, a TV programme about a dashing fox aristocrat who drives hounds to market and shames hunters with his clean shoes and impeccable manners. He's a part-time magician who spends most of his time making prejudice disappear.

Lisa: What is it.

Here Boy!

Lisa: Oh! What a wonderful place to spend an afternoon, these dogs are rather pleased to see their friend did you notice all the beautiful art on the walls? This certainly looks like a nice house do you think the dogs live there or are they visiting, you know what would be a neat invention if there was some gang of dogs that could stop by your house to make you feel better or to play there's something like that at nursing homes but with cats, in my opinion dogs make better companions they eat all the foods you feel guilty about throwing away~

Jesse: After losing his legs in a tragic bowling accident, Garry Ben Shegwin now moves about on a living raft of stitched-together dogs, an arrangement which gives him a full range of mobility as well as speedy access to local sausage vendors.

?

Lisa: I'm concerned, this dog appears to have a flea or tick problem I hope he's had his shots, I mean it could be the quality of my monitor or the fact that he's just dirty (dogs sometimes have a fun time playing in mud). I'm also concerned about his stomach, it looks like he's eating grass or some kind of green (???) and this is something cats often do when they have a difficult time digesting their food. No, you know what, I can't tell, maybe somebody just forgot to mow the lawn.

Jesse: Actually the answer is (D): none of the above. The fact that this is drawn on construction paper suggests that it is the work of a child, which suggests a tenuous connection to reality, which suggests that ideas about lawns or mud are too concrete, which suggests that yes, this dog is actually made out of ice cream and is melting at a very rapid rate. The green is probably a toppled pile of fondant which suggests that this was actually an ice cream cake.

Hold On, Folks...

Lisa: Where do police dogs sleep at night?
Jesse: In cages in the basement.

We'll be right back...

Collect 'em All!

Jesse: Hey kids! Be sure to get your Official Aint Nothin' But a Houndblog Dog Pogs, guaranteed to unclog your brain fog. Pogs and dogs are taking the nation by storm! So round, you can carry them anywhere! Take em on a jog! On a trip to Prague! Glue them to your hedgehog. Flip 'em, skip 'em, dip 'em in your eggnog (don't actually do this, they'll be ruined). Whatever you do, pick up a stack and relive your favorite houndblog moments with some nifty little "dog bites", right on the back! Collect all 16!

Lisa: Oh my gosh what a wonderful way to expand your pog collection, I wasn't allowed to have pogs because my mom didn't want me to choke but these sure are handsome things I wonder if she'll let me get them not to play but to frame in my room, the good news is pogs are usually made of cardboard and if they get in your mouth it's just a matter of time until they dissolve```

Indiana Was the Dog's Name

Jesse: This dog with his precious skull mask is like the villain from The Temple of Doom, except that instead of tearing out your heart with his bare hands and watching it set on fire, he's just going to melt it. If that's even a dog it might actually be a bag of mail resting on its side.

Lisa: What happened here! I've never seen a dog quite like this before, he sure has a way of looking at you though doesn't he, I guess this is one of those dogs that you always have to be honest with because in his face you can tell he understands mysteries far beyond your own comprehension, do you think he is able to catch balls in that mouth or is he more of frisbee kind of guy

His and Furs

Jesse: Dammit Henry if you don't stop picking cotton all over the floor I swear to god I'm going to rub you with this miniature ice scraper. This is seriously the last time

Lisa: oh this is such a nice thing, you know when you get fur in your mouth and you're upset because it tastes worse than you would think (considering!), this helps you not get it inside of there, instead it collects it all on the ground, you can use it to stuff things maybe (if we were Native Americans) or to show your dog what he is made of. Sometimes when I'm crying a dog will press against my eyes it dries the tears, then they are gone~

This dog and his amazing, technicolor dream vest

Jesse: Remember on older televisions when someone would wear a suit with a funky pattern like this and the picture wouldn't be able to handle it so you'd get those weird fuzzy-colored lines dancing all over? What about the rainbow test pattern that would show up really early in the morning? Or the cartoon about telepathic future humans riding heavily equipped dinosaurs into battle. These are things that you will try to explain to your children but find only dead-eyed stares of incomprehension and disinterest. If you think about it, the gap between each generation gets less and less significant. Your grandparents didnt have television, your parents didnt have computers, you didnt have your own tiny superphone with a Jonas Brothers ringtone. Our future kids are bound to be such entitled little pieces of shit that I would consider not having them if it didn't mean I'd have no one to punish.

Lisa: What a nice mother that dog must have for her to knit him such a beautiful sweater. Sometimes when I'm cold I put on layers and layers of shirts until I can't move my arms and I lay down on a blanket on the fl0or and roll around until I'm tangled up, it's a fun game but if my mom isn't home I usually get stuck under the dining room table

My Dogs are Barkin'

Jesse: Is Peanuts one of those cartoon universes where you have a mixture of anthropomorphic dogs and real ones? Does Snoopy have a gang of four-legged buddies that he runs with or is it all Joe Cools and that Mexican cousin with the weird hat? I dont remember, but cartoons like this are weird because of the confusing mixture of actual animals and people animals so you end up with situations like Arthur where he's an aardvark but also a boy (he doesn't even have an aardvark's nose now after they prettied him up so he's kind of just a non-descript gentle beast) and he has a pet dog that's an actual dog but also a friend who's a dog person. How do the dog people feel about this? Imagine living in a world where we were surrounded by less evolved versions of ourselves (not apes, more like cave men) and even kept those versions as pets. This doesn't bother children at all but you have to figure that they also eat jellybeans that they find between the couch cushions.

Lisa: Jesse I'm afraid I don't understand what the problem is here.

Doggie Vestements

Jesse: Schwartzman is modeling a vest in this Polaroid which you can barely tell because a fat dog has plopped down in his lap right in front it. Cute. But really, there's something unsettling about this kind of marketing where the ad treats you like that shithead bartender with the gauged ears and the Rites of Spring t-shirt who ignores you as you try to get his attention, all toying with his iPod until you finally force eye contact and he makes a face and saunters over all in a huff. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would like to be wooed; I want my ads to cavort and dance for me like I'm holding a gun to their abdomen. If I wanted this kind of attitude I'd go hold up an American Apparel.

Lisa: THIS IS A DREAM

Jesse: CHA'NOTH, ANCIENT GOD OF FIRE AND STONE, KEEPER OF THE ETERNAL FLAME, MASTER OF THE HOUNDS, BEARS AND TALL BEASTS OF THE EARTH AND SEA, IN SLUMBER FAR BENEATH THE CHILL WINDS OF THE NORTHERN FROSTS UNTIL THE LATTER DAYS, NOW AVAILABLE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY NEEDS.

Lisa: WHAT

Mighty Mouse

Jesse: Being a heroic mouse (pink or otherwise) is a tough business, because face it, you can be on the top of your game 364 days a year, disarming mousetraps and brazenly outwitting cats or whatever other shit these little guys do, and all it takes is one slip up, one, and you're being bit in half by a dog with your foot fallen off in your shoe over there in the corner. And the thanks you get? None. No one comes to your funeral because there is no funeral because you are a mouse and ten minutes later the dog throws up your skeleton in his owners shoe. This is an issue that I feel is not fairly covered in television cartoons that glamorize the subject.

Plates of Poo

Jesse: I don't know what it is about the specifics of the pathetic face he's making but this dog looks like a compulsive shit eater. Also I hate those stupid ears that look like the awful wigs worn by British judges.

Lisa: oh you guys please don't feed your dogs chocolate it's not good for them they would do much better with a can of dog food or a piece of meat, once i knew a dog that liked vegetables but it's my understanding that this is not an every day thing, have you ever met a dog that showed no interest in food i haven't i think that's why they're so relatable

Dogghouse

Did ya get the dank, did ya get the dank?
Yeah I got the dank, you got the gas in the tank?
V.I.P. status, don't need an apparatus
Cuz the niggas I fuck wit, they all about the cabbage
Down in yellobrick road my destination, the DoggHouse
Toastin Remys, fillin' jimmies, we goin all out
Lookin for the wizard, creepin through the fog
Got some bad ass bitches, headed to the player's ball

Dogman X

Jesse: It’s got to be tough to be DMX. All this pressure, to act like a tough guy all the time and constantly get arrested and set a terrible example for children. So much that even when you do something entirely ordinary like walking your dog, who just happens to be this 110-pound potentialy rabid monster, around the broken-down streets of the inner-city community where you keep your mansion and happen to pose menacingly while shrouded in a strange mist, this innocent act gets interpreted as even more ghetto posturing; somebody snaps a picture and the thing ends up on the cover of your next album because your manager is this fat douchebag named Claude who lives in a house shaped like an Escalade and can’t accept you for who you really are. Meanwhile all you wanted to do was take off your boots, curl up with American Idol and drink a nice hot tea to soothe your tired voice.

Lisa: ok well this dog looks like a great thing but sometimes i wonder if a dog's owner is tough enough does that make the dog tough as well. i don't think so mainly because dogs are very nice and they all just want to be friends (with each other and with you) and even if they pretend they are rough and tumble in reality it's all just a game and they would prefer a big cuddle and a nap. yesterday i saw a dog but it was across the street so i called hello and it looked at me. dmx is a famous rapper do you think he owns just one dog or many