Friday, October 31, 2008

And it looks like the knife is going through his head

Jesse: This dog is so unamused by the fact that he has a knife through his head that his costume transcends "dog with a knife through his head" and becomes "dog unaumsed by the fact that he has a knife through his head."

Lisa: I was France Gall for Halloween. Nobody knew what my costume was.

Monday, October 27, 2008

House of Dogs

Jesse: The cast of Animal Planet’s new reality series Dog House, where six different dogs from comfortably disparate backgrounds experience the pains and joys of relationships that go beyond communally pissing on a sleeping vagrant. From left to right: Duke, whose tendency to eat other dogs tails is likely to cause tension, Honeydew, a French poodle who grew up on a melon plantation, Twinkle and Stardust, twin huskies with a shared fear of Roone Arledge, Clementine, a spoiled corgi owned by one of Dubai’s five-richest hot dog barons, and Steak Knife, the edgy loner whose explosive temper threatens to disrupt everything (on the first episode he pees in the ornamental marble fountain that feeds into their water bowls ).

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Police Cuteality

Jesse: Yeah it seems precious to dress up your dog in a little police babushka suit until you realize the egregious behavior of NYPD sanctioned dogcatchers in past decades. In 1976 alone 676 good dogs were wrongfully imprisoned in laughably small cages facing out the tiny back window of paddywagons. Roughly two thirds were reported to have made excruciatingly sad faces. Even without that, this thing looks like he just launched from an ejector seat and is now pathetically dangling from a palm tree by his parachute. Use a little foresight next time guy or better yet stop damming up your dog’s head follicles altogether (it causes baldness).


Monday, October 20, 2008

The Son of Dog

Jesse: The thing that makes this offensive is not the casting of our Lord and Savior as a scruffy hound but the suggestion that a canine version of the Last Supper would be comprised of dog bones and tennis balls. No, I’m not suggesting there should be rib-eye steaks and gravy water (we’ve all seen The Last Crusade), but to make this much effort and then ruin the depiction by tossing in the most obvious, boring tropes of doggiedom is shameful. If you’re going to limit this to casual stereotyping at least give them a dish of water and some beggin’ strips.

Friday, October 17, 2008


Jesse: This is the dog equivalent of that abysmal couple you see in the grocery store at 3 am trying to smuggle out as much cookie dough as they can possibly fit in the pockets of their Insane Clown Posse hooded sweatshirts. They probably have matching misspelled tattoos with counter-culture themes and live in a basement apartment with posters on the ceiling and the sight of them makes you almost sure that love is actually a devious plot hatched by Satan to bring people like this together.

Lisa: Jesse that's not true these dogs are great you want to know why because all dogs are great

ETA 12/15/08 9:22pm:
Lisa: oh my gosh the tongue

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Jesse: People in the post-Lassie era expect way too much from dog superheroes. Well newsflash: Lassie wasn’t even a dog, he was two small apes in a carefully stitched suit directed by a complex system of electric shocks. Also that was a television show. These guys names are the Atomic Hound and Pooch Watkins (no, neither one is a sidekick, stop it) and they do the kind of stuff - licking up especially bad stains on the pavement, snatching banana peels from the paths of old ladies – that you assume is being handled by garbagemen. They’re not even federally subsidized. So next time you see some dogs like this flying around at an extremely low altitude give them a wave; they may be the only thing preventing you from experiencing a shoe sole spackled with chewing gum.

Lisa: This is significant because one dog is black and one dog is white and TOGETHER they fight crime.