You Know This is Hanging in a Foyer Somewhere

Lisa: It's kind of like the dog is the only one who realizes how fucking stupid this is. Where are they, Sears? First of all, the kid is dressed like a fucking idiot for chrissake. Is it Christmas? No, I'm seriously asking you, is it fucking Christmas? Because only then is it okay to wear red and green together, otherwise you look fucking festive for no reason. Also, I used to have jeans like those and they're really goddamn stupid. It's like they're jeans and sweatpants in one, with an elastic waistband and everything. Finally, the shoes -- oh hell, the shoes. If it is Christmas, why the fuck is he wearing dirty white sneakers? Who the hell would put their son in dirty white sneakers on Christmas? If you want my opinion, the only good thing about this portrait is the dog, and he knows it. Dogs are not seasonal, they go with everything, and they're always in style. Unlike this fucking train wreck of a kid.

Jesse: This dog has the tortured yet saintly countenance of a 14th century Christian martyr. This boy is carefree and joyful and cannot yet grasp the concept of death. Together they star in a dramatic Russian television series called молодой парень, печальная собака (This Darling Child and his Sorrowful Hound) where the little kid repeatedly toddles into mildly dangerous situations and the dog has to save him again and again with his wearied face appearing in extreme closeup like the exact representation of an entire nation's troubles. It may seem to us like a Lassie retread but the whole thing as this amazing cinematic quality and a sense of gravitas that you don't find on American television. Take for example this one scene where the boy tumbling is in slow-motion down a snowy hillside toward the biggest mud puddle you've ever seen with THIS music playing and the dog senses it and is rushing through a crowded town square with the snow coming down and flashbacks to his mother being taken away in the Black Maria (there's still a lot of guilt in this country about the overzealousness of Soviet dog catchers) and there are repeated cuts to the boy's father chopping wood and his mother preparing a roast and then there's this amazing long shot from a helicopter or something where they draw all the way back and you can see the dog rushing down the hill and the early evening shadows are framed amazingly against the path of the boy's descent and you're like "wait a second what am i watching"