Thursday, August 21, 2008

He Limits His Sweets

Lisa: One time? I met a dog that was nice and small. Usually small dogs are not as nice as big dogs but this time it was different. This dog? was nice and I liked him and he liked me so we sat on a couch. We were friends! We ate churros but he did not like cinnamon and sugar so his churro was plain. That was okay. I was wearing my sequined jeans and a heather gray shirt. See? That's me behind my friend the dog. This is at his house. That was when I was still a virgin, you can tell by my outfit (and weight).

Jesse: Most outsiders think it's the bigger breeds that run everything in the dog world but that idea is way off. Think about it. Is the president of the United States some musclebound lunkhead with arms that look like over-microwaved sausages? Who runs Studio 54? Is it Roscoe with the ankle pants and the Sequoia sized neck? No, he's the bouncer. The guys in charge are former indoor kids with underactive thyroids who have better things to do than treat their bodies like classic cars.

That's why this dog is running things in his neck of the woods, smoking a Cigarsage (cigars for dogs that actually taste like sausages, talking on the speakerphone with the manager of one of the three dealerships that he owns. This dog has it all figured out.
He's loud. He's ballsy. He knows that lounging around in the nude is the true big dog's way of saying "yeah I'm so rich I can't even decide which monogrammed jogging suit to put on."

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