This is a Tough Dog

Lisa: This is a tough cool dog, look at his face! His name is Remy and he does not like to be pet because when he was a young dog a girl pet him too hard because she loved him so much so he was like "please stop doing that" and she was like "Remy my dog!" and he was like "PLEASE STOP" and she went "but I love you so much" and he moved away because he couldn't live the way he wanted to.

Now he lives on his own and does not like when people treat him like a dog, he prefers to be respected. I respect him because he's so awesome and neat and I love him very much, he sticks his tongue out and makes puns a lot it's really funny. He has a better sense of humor than most other people.

Jesse: Keaton went through a lot coming up on the streets of St. Louis - an addiction to PetMeds, deadbeat owners who made him eat pizza boxes, six months living inside a gift basket - and now he doesn't like to be touched. So what? How is it fair that now that he's finally got his life back on track he should still have to take the "bad dog" treatment from some antibacterial swilling soccer mom after he recoils from the touch of her runtish child and its ice creamy fingers. Why is he the weirdo when you're the one stooping over to run your hands over a small animal's back? This is not a rummage sale and you are not assessing antique foot stools.

While we're on this what's up with the whole double standard where a dog who doesn't want to be pet is a prude but a dog who likes getting pet too much is desperate? Why are all magazines about dogs so intent on promoting that ghastly all ribs look that no one but a starving Romanian junkyard whelp could ever hope to maintain. Isn't the idea of a kennel kind of like leaving your child in prison while you go away on vacation? I think with a woman and a colored fellow running for office this is finally the time to sit down indian-style on some comfortable mats and approach these issues as a nation.