Collect 'em All!

Jesse: Hey kids! Be sure to get your Official Aint Nothin' But a Houndblog Dog Pogs, guaranteed to unclog your brain fog. Pogs and dogs are taking the nation by storm! So round, you can carry them anywhere! Take em on a jog! On a trip to Prague! Glue them to your hedgehog. Flip 'em, skip 'em, dip 'em in your eggnog (don't actually do this, they'll be ruined). Whatever you do, pick up a stack and relive your favorite houndblog moments with some nifty little "dog bites", right on the back! Collect all 16!

Lisa: Oh my gosh what a wonderful way to expand your pog collection, I wasn't allowed to have pogs because my mom didn't want me to choke but these sure are handsome things I wonder if she'll let me get them not to play but to frame in my room, the good news is pogs are usually made of cardboard and if they get in your mouth it's just a matter of time until they dissolve```

Indiana Was the Dog's Name

Jesse: This dog with his precious skull mask is like the villain from The Temple of Doom, except that instead of tearing out your heart with his bare hands and watching it set on fire, he's just going to melt it. If that's even a dog it might actually be a bag of mail resting on its side.

Lisa: What happened here! I've never seen a dog quite like this before, he sure has a way of looking at you though doesn't he, I guess this is one of those dogs that you always have to be honest with because in his face you can tell he understands mysteries far beyond your own comprehension, do you think he is able to catch balls in that mouth or is he more of frisbee kind of guy

His and Furs

Jesse: Dammit Henry if you don't stop picking cotton all over the floor I swear to god I'm going to rub you with this miniature ice scraper. This is seriously the last time

Lisa: oh this is such a nice thing, you know when you get fur in your mouth and you're upset because it tastes worse than you would think (considering!), this helps you not get it inside of there, instead it collects it all on the ground, you can use it to stuff things maybe (if we were Native Americans) or to show your dog what he is made of. Sometimes when I'm crying a dog will press against my eyes it dries the tears, then they are gone~

This dog and his amazing, technicolor dream vest

Jesse: Remember on older televisions when someone would wear a suit with a funky pattern like this and the picture wouldn't be able to handle it so you'd get those weird fuzzy-colored lines dancing all over? What about the rainbow test pattern that would show up really early in the morning? Or the cartoon about telepathic future humans riding heavily equipped dinosaurs into battle. These are things that you will try to explain to your children but find only dead-eyed stares of incomprehension and disinterest. If you think about it, the gap between each generation gets less and less significant. Your grandparents didnt have television, your parents didnt have computers, you didnt have your own tiny superphone with a Jonas Brothers ringtone. Our future kids are bound to be such entitled little pieces of shit that I would consider not having them if it didn't mean I'd have no one to punish.

Lisa: What a nice mother that dog must have for her to knit him such a beautiful sweater. Sometimes when I'm cold I put on layers and layers of shirts until I can't move my arms and I lay down on a blanket on the fl0or and roll around until I'm tangled up, it's a fun game but if my mom isn't home I usually get stuck under the dining room table

My Dogs are Barkin'

Jesse: Is Peanuts one of those cartoon universes where you have a mixture of anthropomorphic dogs and real ones? Does Snoopy have a gang of four-legged buddies that he runs with or is it all Joe Cools and that Mexican cousin with the weird hat? I dont remember, but cartoons like this are weird because of the confusing mixture of actual animals and people animals so you end up with situations like Arthur where he's an aardvark but also a boy (he doesn't even have an aardvark's nose now after they prettied him up so he's kind of just a non-descript gentle beast) and he has a pet dog that's an actual dog but also a friend who's a dog person. How do the dog people feel about this? Imagine living in a world where we were surrounded by less evolved versions of ourselves (not apes, more like cave men) and even kept those versions as pets. This doesn't bother children at all but you have to figure that they also eat jellybeans that they find between the couch cushions.

Lisa: Jesse I'm afraid I don't understand what the problem is here.

Doggie Vestements

Jesse: Schwartzman is modeling a vest in this Polaroid which you can barely tell because a fat dog has plopped down in his lap right in front it. Cute. But really, there's something unsettling about this kind of marketing where the ad treats you like that shithead bartender with the gauged ears and the Rites of Spring t-shirt who ignores you as you try to get his attention, all toying with his iPod until you finally force eye contact and he makes a face and saunters over all in a huff. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would like to be wooed; I want my ads to cavort and dance for me like I'm holding a gun to their abdomen. If I wanted this kind of attitude I'd go hold up an American Apparel.

Lisa: THIS IS A DREAM

Jesse: CHA'NOTH, ANCIENT GOD OF FIRE AND STONE, KEEPER OF THE ETERNAL FLAME, MASTER OF THE HOUNDS, BEARS AND TALL BEASTS OF THE EARTH AND SEA, IN SLUMBER FAR BENEATH THE CHILL WINDS OF THE NORTHERN FROSTS UNTIL THE LATTER DAYS, NOW AVAILABLE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY NEEDS.

Lisa: WHAT

Mighty Mouse

Jesse: Being a heroic mouse (pink or otherwise) is a tough business, because face it, you can be on the top of your game 364 days a year, disarming mousetraps and brazenly outwitting cats or whatever other shit these little guys do, and all it takes is one slip up, one, and you're being bit in half by a dog with your foot fallen off in your shoe over there in the corner. And the thanks you get? None. No one comes to your funeral because there is no funeral because you are a mouse and ten minutes later the dog throws up your skeleton in his owners shoe. This is an issue that I feel is not fairly covered in television cartoons that glamorize the subject.

Plates of Poo

Jesse: I don't know what it is about the specifics of the pathetic face he's making but this dog looks like a compulsive shit eater. Also I hate those stupid ears that look like the awful wigs worn by British judges.

Lisa: oh you guys please don't feed your dogs chocolate it's not good for them they would do much better with a can of dog food or a piece of meat, once i knew a dog that liked vegetables but it's my understanding that this is not an every day thing, have you ever met a dog that showed no interest in food i haven't i think that's why they're so relatable

Dogghouse

Did ya get the dank, did ya get the dank?
Yeah I got the dank, you got the gas in the tank?
V.I.P. status, don't need an apparatus
Cuz the niggas I fuck wit, they all about the cabbage
Down in yellobrick road my destination, the DoggHouse
Toastin Remys, fillin' jimmies, we goin all out
Lookin for the wizard, creepin through the fog
Got some bad ass bitches, headed to the player's ball

Dogman X

Jesse: It’s got to be tough to be DMX. All this pressure, to act like a tough guy all the time and constantly get arrested and set a terrible example for children. So much that even when you do something entirely ordinary like walking your dog, who just happens to be this 110-pound potentialy rabid monster, around the broken-down streets of the inner-city community where you keep your mansion and happen to pose menacingly while shrouded in a strange mist, this innocent act gets interpreted as even more ghetto posturing; somebody snaps a picture and the thing ends up on the cover of your next album because your manager is this fat douchebag named Claude who lives in a house shaped like an Escalade and can’t accept you for who you really are. Meanwhile all you wanted to do was take off your boots, curl up with American Idol and drink a nice hot tea to soothe your tired voice.

Lisa: ok well this dog looks like a great thing but sometimes i wonder if a dog's owner is tough enough does that make the dog tough as well. i don't think so mainly because dogs are very nice and they all just want to be friends (with each other and with you) and even if they pretend they are rough and tumble in reality it's all just a game and they would prefer a big cuddle and a nap. yesterday i saw a dog but it was across the street so i called hello and it looked at me. dmx is a famous rapper do you think he owns just one dog or many