Jesse: Yeah sure, I'll buy the ‘every dog is cute in its own way’ thing but really, the only way this abomination is cute is by virtue of the pity provoked by its massive, all-consuming ugliness. This dog is so ugly that pregnant women of fragile constitutions miscarry at the sight of him. He is so ugly that his fleas have to wear sunglasses. So ugly that I visited this website for inspiration but none of the jokes seemed harsh enough to describe how ugly this dog was.
Now I feel bad, which is an entirely pointless reaction because the dog does not know he is ugly and even if he did it’s likely that it would not affect him one single iota. The life of a dog is not a beauty contest. Rest assured, this monstrosity is 100% as happy as he’d be if he didn’t look like the Crypt Keeper’s head the moment before it explodes.
Lisa: I have to find a new favorite cookie because Famous Amos isn't doing it for me anymore and Jesse how dare you that dog is very handsome jacobean harpy
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