Saturday, June 28, 2008

Whatever Happened to Man's Best Friend?

Jesse: Now with the advent of ICanHazCheeseburger and FailDogs or whatever they are life is different for dogs. You have these goofy motherfuckers and their contrived mugging, acting like some North Florida family purposely setting up a situation where the child hits his father in the balls with a whiffle bat and filming it to get on America's Funniest Home Videos. These kind of minstrel show antics are tragic because you can see the life's work of dogs like Lassie and Rin Tin TIn, who made it clear that the essence of a good dog was loyalty and bravery and quiet self-respect, just totally going down the drain. The level of dialogue has been lowered to some pathetic mutt scraping and soft-shoein' around, posing with his head stuck in a container of cheez balls and howling "Home on the Range" in the backyard praying that someone will come out and throw him a Beggin' Strip.

So you end up with dogs like this who you can't blame because they're just doing what they think they need to earn their master's love when in reality no one wants to live with the dog who gets internet famous for trying to swallow an entire cactus. That novelty shit has no real place in the home. But this dog is a type - he probably has another dog or two or three cats to compete with for attention and he flips over his food bowl so it lands on his head ad makes that dumbfounded "who, me?" face and his master is like "Goddamit Terrence I'm late for work I don't have time for this." and he takes this as a sign he has to try harder to amuse him when really all he wants is him to sit at his feet in the evening and maybe fetch the newspaper once in a while.

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