HOW MANY DOGS DO YOU SEE

Jesse: Like that optical illusion where the picture is an old woman and a young lady this photo can be taken one of two ways; the ambiguity is so locked into a half empty/half full dynamic that it could be used in psychological testing. Now if you're an optimist you're seeing this Norman Rockwell scene with the big dog as the watchful father waiting for these little guys to finish eating so he can lead them running off in a line connected tail-to-mouth, across main street and the frozen-over pond past the old mill to visit down at the orphanage for Christmas morning. If you're more negative minded you see him getting ready to show these pups a thing or two and go crazy on seven bowls of Kibble. There's also the more nuanced option where the big dog is about to pull rank to take his share and then back away gracefully or that he's staring at a very small bug behind that puppy, but the world of dogs is black and white (this is a pun, they cannot see colors) and so there's no room for this kind of varied interpretation.

Lisa: I don't know, there's something something about this picture that makes me want to die. In a good way. Maybe it's the fact that it combines my favorite things (dogs, food, friendship), or that there are SEVEN ADORABLE PUPPIES being FUCKING ADORABLE, I mean GODDAMN mister just LOOK at them! I also like the fact that their tails are in varying degrees of waggedness, CAN YOU TELL HOW HAPPY THEY ARE TO BE EATING? No, no, TO BE ALIVE? And I like to think the grown-up dog in the background is their older brother Chester whose mom was like "Chaz, I really need a nap do you mind taking them outside for a little bit?" and Chester's like "but Moooom I don't want to they're so dumb!" when in reality he's like the proudest big brother in the world and when he watches them play he thinks they're the smartest and cutest pups that ever walked this green earthhhhhhhh~

Size Doesn't Matter!

Jesse: I'm pretty down on small dogs as a rule, but there's something charming about a situation where you can imagine that a man's love for his son is measured in direct inverse proportion to the size of his dog.

The thing is there's a tendency for big men to outfit their lives with all kinds of jumbo-sized trappings like they're some kind of giant who actually needs a truck that can haul twelve tons of concrete and a recliner as big as the base of Lincoln Memorial. Usually it comes off as ridiculous but in the case of a dog it makes sense; a man's dog acts as an avatar of his personality and so needs to match it in some sense, meaning that a small dog flows about as well as him carrying a change purse. But the same is true for a kid and this guy at least has the fatherly restraint to realize what having a dog that isn't twice your size can mean to a child and that no good is going to come out of keeping around some gargantuan beast that can fit the boy's head in its mouth like it's a tennis ball.

So if you're feeling like there's no hope for the world think about this guy walking this dog, feeling like he's pulling a ball of cotton on a string, envisioning a 300-pound mastiff setting off car alarms with its bark when the little yipper gets spooked by a pigeon and cowers inside of a tin can and he's like "Poochkins man when are you going to learn" and scoops him up into his sweatshirt pocket to carry him home.

Whatever Happened to Man's Best Friend?

Jesse: Now with the advent of ICanHazCheeseburger and FailDogs or whatever they are life is different for dogs. You have these goofy motherfuckers and their contrived mugging, acting like some North Florida family purposely setting up a situation where the child hits his father in the balls with a whiffle bat and filming it to get on America's Funniest Home Videos. These kind of minstrel show antics are tragic because you can see the life's work of dogs like Lassie and Rin Tin TIn, who made it clear that the essence of a good dog was loyalty and bravery and quiet self-respect, just totally going down the drain. The level of dialogue has been lowered to some pathetic mutt scraping and soft-shoein' around, posing with his head stuck in a container of cheez balls and howling "Home on the Range" in the backyard praying that someone will come out and throw him a Beggin' Strip.

So you end up with dogs like this who you can't blame because they're just doing what they think they need to earn their master's love when in reality no one wants to live with the dog who gets internet famous for trying to swallow an entire cactus. That novelty shit has no real place in the home. But this dog is a type - he probably has another dog or two or three cats to compete with for attention and he flips over his food bowl so it lands on his head ad makes that dumbfounded "who, me?" face and his master is like "Goddamit Terrence I'm late for work I don't have time for this." and he takes this as a sign he has to try harder to amuse him when really all he wants is him to sit at his feet in the evening and maybe fetch the newspaper once in a while.

Who dis bitch think she be?

Lisa: This picture of Oreo was taken in a friend's basement after a My Chemical Romance concert. GERARD WAY TOUCHED HER PAW. It was amaaaaaaaazing. Less amazing were the stupid preps (read: POSERS) screaming behind her THE ENTIRE TIME. No, seriously, the entire fucking concert.

But she's finally forgotten about those cookie-cutter bitches. She and her friends are playing Spit with a ratty old deck of cards and drinking Kayla's dad's Coors lite. After a few drinks, just moments before she chokes to death on her own tongue, Oreo will decide that when she dies she wants her gravestone to read, "Too Punk Rock for this Planet."

Jesse: Yeah, alright, homegirl look fine with them sweet whiskers and little bitty tongue and you thinkin' "MMM, Ima take this bitch to the park on sunday, run around a lil bit and get down playin' tug-o-war with an old piece'a rope" but watch out because i am telling you son this shit is all angles. what you don't see is that foul stretched out tummy from the litter she just shat out and those paws all wore down from chasin' niggas cars around like they gon' support her and her nasty pups.

Seriously this bitch's back fur is MAYN-GEEE and YOU KNOW she covered in that pound puppy stank that a bitch like that never gonna lose. Imagine her trailin' around in your yard with some ragged-ass football or sock or some shit begging you with them sick eyes to play fetch before you even dream of hollerin' at shawty.

It's no mistake that Dog is just God spelled backwards.

Lisa: This is a dog that's concerned about current events. This dog is also my friend; of course, that needs not to be said because all dogs are my friends. Literally, every single dog that walks this earth is my friend. Wrap your mind around that. Take a minute, right now, to really absorb this fact. Every. single. dog. in the world. is my friend.

This dog's name is Panama and he enjoys reading the newspaper, listening to alternative rock and playing soccer. He also likes shopping organically and buying local produce. He's quite a chef, this one! In his garden he grows fresh vegetables and herbs. They are delicious! It's also important to note that Panama had an "I'm Not a Plastic Bag" bag before they were popular.

Jesse: I'll admit, this dog has presence. Unfortunately he's a little too aware of it so he pulls that stunt where first his head is resting on the couch and then he is ON the couch and then he's on your kitchen table showing off how he can read upside down. In bygone times this guy would have been a tough customer in the world of sheep-herding, biting ankles and making deals and generally just running shit but getting away with it because he had earned those sheeps' respect. They knew who was the boss.

But now he suffers from the same problem as most dogs where he is coddled and basically de-fanged and so has all this empty, posturing confidence with no real application. This is just grandstanding, plain and simple; it's disrespectful and it's honestly kind of sad because you can just feel the wasted potential. Also cut your hair dude you look like a fucking Jonas brother.