Dogs of War

Jesse: This guy somehow looks like even more of a dope when you consider him in comparison with the cold efficiency of this two-legged killing machine. You may have to operate the gun yourself but with it you can bring down any number of things: deer, bison, pickup trucks, low-flying helicopters. This dog could maybe kill a rabbit but only after scrambling through the bushes on some madcap Maramaduke-style chase around circles with this pathetic coup de grâce where it slips and crushes the poor creature with its tremendous cornfed ass. Then you're eating hot pockets for dinner while Bongo here looks at you like you've just asked him to find the square root of Kentucky.

and Julius Rosenberg on alto clarinet

Jesse: You hear about this dame they got on the piano tonight? She's a real dog. Louis B. Mayer over here thinks its a laugh riot.

Babes in the Wood

Jesse: As the Greek god of juniper, deep-sea fishing and postal deliveries, Actaeon always had some dogs scrambling around underfoot, so when he bursts into this scene with two yappers at his heels its no suprise. But what else is going on here? Are all these thick naked ladies standing in as a gaggle of vernal fertility symbols? Do they represent the spoils of the hunt? Feminine mystique? Nah man those are just some titties.

Dogsong

Jesse:

Every dog is like a puzzle
every dog has its own charms
so before you put on that muzzle
think of Ol' Yeller back on the farm

(chorus)
YEAH
some dogs are good
some dogs are bad
but all dogs need a helpin' hand
doggs who are rude
dogs who are sad
help make this a better land


I like to think that somewhere a man is sitting at his piano furiously furrowing his brow over the precise lyrics for the next infectious jingle that's going to have us all rushing out to stock up on Puppy Chow or donate our nickels to Pals for Pups or some other vaguely sweet-sounding charity. He can use this one if he wants.

Lisa: Jesse I told you to stay out of my room

Bo

Jesse: Motherfucker's all "no comment" sniffin nonchalant at that boom and trotting around the grounds like he owns the place (which he does), these reporters scrambling along behind all out of breath trying for an interview. Afternoons spent nosing around the new digs, fetchin' shit, uncovering a secret terrorist cell among the gardening staff and digging up some evidence behind the new herb garden. Obama's like "good boy" with the thousand watt smile and those guys are shipped off to Guantanamo post-haste. There hasn't been a hound this bad in the White House since Rover Eisenhower bit into Kruschev's wingtip and refused to let go.

The Mutt Man

Jesse: This guy is pretty into dogs but I'm more concerned about where he got that vest and how they managed to shoot this inside of a lung.

Dog Art

Jesse: Art is cool because its so full of layers and meanings. Like this piece for example, what's the story behind it? Maybe this dude was just out for a nice stroll on the lea behind his estate when out of nowhere this dog bursts through the treeline and fucking bulldozes this stag like Warren Sapp flattening some puny quarterback and the guy was like "awwww shit, ima paint this" Or maybe it's nothing at all like that and the dog is just whispering something delighftully observant in the stag's ear.

Lisa: I've never seen a dog with antlers before but considering the way things are up North where it gets really cold I guess it's not much of a surprise. WHat a fun thing it must be to ride on a sled pulled by man's best friend and it's pretty common knowledge that dogs have very good eyesight which begs the question why does Santa use reindeer when dogs would have a much easier time navigating their way through airspace

New York's Alright (If You Like Milkbones)

Jesse: Something serious was going on with NYC dogs back in the day. We've all seen The French Connection and know the city was pretty foul around this point but this hardly gets at the sheer amount of fucking biting that must have been going on: with stats like these you probably couldn't get from your apartment to the corner bodega without five daschunds latching on to different sections of your leg. What was behind this? Rabies epidemic? Post-hippie disillusionment? Part of me likes to imagine that dogs are big sticklers for human propriety and the image of so many junkies and deadbeats sleeping half in a garbage can and half on a park bench sent them into a frenzy of civic responsibility.

Lisa: Once on the subway I saw a dog he was wearing a vest and I was so surprised my foot missed the last step and went tumbling to the ground. The only thing I could do at this point of course was get up pet the dog and continue on my way, but as I approached the blond pup a woman that I did not know PLEASE DO NOT PET THE DOG WHILE HE'S WORKING and I decided I didn't even want to go out anymore so I turned around and went home.

MORALITY

Angel: "Morris you don't really want to eat that birthday cake off the counter. You're a fine animal, not a junkyard cur, please don't behave like one. You don't even like frosting. Remember your dear mother, Morris, remember"

Devil: "Wait a second I'm a cow what am I doing here"

Badder Dogz

Jesse: The amount of things that have gone wrong here is astounding. If this dog is a laid-back, cigarette-mouthed louche then why is he holding an ax? Is the indecent exposure posture another bad-dog signifier or just a disgusting goof? Then there's the change in tone between the picture and the sidebar caption. Is English not this person's first language? At whom is this message directed? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU WHEN A PHONE NUMBER IS NOT PROVIDED