The Mutt Man

Jesse: This guy is pretty into dogs but I'm more concerned about where he got that vest and how they managed to shoot this inside of a lung.

Dog Art

Jesse: Art is cool because its so full of layers and meanings. Like this piece for example, what's the story behind it? Maybe this dude was just out for a nice stroll on the lea behind his estate when out of nowhere this dog bursts through the treeline and fucking bulldozes this stag like Warren Sapp flattening some puny quarterback and the guy was like "awwww shit, ima paint this" Or maybe it's nothing at all like that and the dog is just whispering something delighftully observant in the stag's ear.

Lisa: I've never seen a dog with antlers before but considering the way things are up North where it gets really cold I guess it's not much of a surprise. WHat a fun thing it must be to ride on a sled pulled by man's best friend and it's pretty common knowledge that dogs have very good eyesight which begs the question why does Santa use reindeer when dogs would have a much easier time navigating their way through airspace

New York's Alright (If You Like Milkbones)

Jesse: Something serious was going on with NYC dogs back in the day. We've all seen The French Connection and know the city was pretty foul around this point but this hardly gets at the sheer amount of fucking biting that must have been going on: with stats like these you probably couldn't get from your apartment to the corner bodega without five daschunds latching on to different sections of your leg. What was behind this? Rabies epidemic? Post-hippie disillusionment? Part of me likes to imagine that dogs are big sticklers for human propriety and the image of so many junkies and deadbeats sleeping half in a garbage can and half on a park bench sent them into a frenzy of civic responsibility.

Lisa: Once on the subway I saw a dog he was wearing a vest and I was so surprised my foot missed the last step and went tumbling to the ground. The only thing I could do at this point of course was get up pet the dog and continue on my way, but as I approached the blond pup a woman that I did not know PLEASE DO NOT PET THE DOG WHILE HE'S WORKING and I decided I didn't even want to go out anymore so I turned around and went home.

MORALITY

Angel: "Morris you don't really want to eat that birthday cake off the counter. You're a fine animal, not a junkyard cur, please don't behave like one. You don't even like frosting. Remember your dear mother, Morris, remember"

Devil: "Wait a second I'm a cow what am I doing here"

Badder Dogz

Jesse: The amount of things that have gone wrong here is astounding. If this dog is a laid-back, cigarette-mouthed louche then why is he holding an ax? Is the indecent exposure posture another bad-dog signifier or just a disgusting goof? Then there's the change in tone between the picture and the sidebar caption. Is English not this person's first language? At whom is this message directed? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU WHEN A PHONE NUMBER IS NOT PROVIDED

Bad Dogz

Jesse: People talk a lot about prison reform nowadays but like it or not the pound is still out there and it still sucks. When you're a dog you can get picked up for just hanging out on the corner without your ID, to a place where there's no cable TV or weight room or conversion to Islam to take up your time. The only luxury at the pound is that no one stops you from eating bugs. It's basically like Nazi Germany except leaving the house without your papers gets you crammed in a tiny dog-filled cell where mournful howling is the national pastime.

The Internet

Jesse: This picture will figure prominently in the events of the year 2012, when President Obama has left America for a white woman and the Supreme Court is in the process of declaring the internet unconstitutional. This will be their only piece of evidence.

This is the first post in a series examining the issue of bad behavior in dogs.

He Lost it in a Panting Accident

Jesse: Like always technology is a double-edged sword. Sure this guy is going to have the time of his life jouncing around merrily on his bouncy new prosthetic leg, looking like the belle of the ball when he leaps 40 feet in the air to cath an errant frisbee. But those amazing carts on which scruffy little amputees wheel around their precious little stumps? You can say goodbye to them forever. Face facts guys the future is a coldly efficient place where cuteness will soon be dismissed as "illogical".

Mangel

Jesse: Angel or not, that dog is a heartbeat away from eating the cinammon doughnut floating above his head. Three minutes later it will be back on the carpet in a moist pile while he snaps those wings in two trying to connect his head to his ass.

Lisa: Ghosts~

Meat Hound

Jesse: Slavering meat hounds may not be as intimidating as those angry painted noses with all the teeth but keep in mind that the Japanese have an intense, abiding fear of dogs. This is why the "asian people eat dogs" myth exists. They do eat dogs, not because they want to but because ancient lore instructs that the only way to banish the otherwise immortal spirit of a demon hound (goumou-ryouken kanashimi) is to season it with mirin, ginger and some daikon radish.

Lisa: You know when your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you end up with a hamburger the size of your head? Well I was eating one the other day, it was very hard, and naturally I couldn't finish it because I'm rather small. Anyway, I feel very sad when I do this because things are starving all over the world, and I thought "gee I wish I had a dog right now, he would finish this for me!"