The Internet

Jesse: This picture will figure prominently in the events of the year 2012, when President Obama has left America for a white woman and the Supreme Court is in the process of declaring the internet unconstitutional. This will be their only piece of evidence.

This is the first post in a series examining the issue of bad behavior in dogs.

He Lost it in a Panting Accident

Jesse: Like always technology is a double-edged sword. Sure this guy is going to have the time of his life jouncing around merrily on his bouncy new prosthetic leg, looking like the belle of the ball when he leaps 40 feet in the air to cath an errant frisbee. But those amazing carts on which scruffy little amputees wheel around their precious little stumps? You can say goodbye to them forever. Face facts guys the future is a coldly efficient place where cuteness will soon be dismissed as "illogical".

Mangel

Jesse: Angel or not, that dog is a heartbeat away from eating the cinammon doughnut floating above his head. Three minutes later it will be back on the carpet in a moist pile while he snaps those wings in two trying to connect his head to his ass.

Lisa: Ghosts~

Meat Hound

Jesse: Slavering meat hounds may not be as intimidating as those angry painted noses with all the teeth but keep in mind that the Japanese have an intense, abiding fear of dogs. This is why the "asian people eat dogs" myth exists. They do eat dogs, not because they want to but because ancient lore instructs that the only way to banish the otherwise immortal spirit of a demon hound (goumou-ryouken kanashimi) is to season it with mirin, ginger and some daikon radish.

Lisa: You know when your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you end up with a hamburger the size of your head? Well I was eating one the other day, it was very hard, and naturally I couldn't finish it because I'm rather small. Anyway, I feel very sad when I do this because things are starving all over the world, and I thought "gee I wish I had a dog right now, he would finish this for me!"

Science

Jesse: So when you add a spotted dog and a non-spotted dog the result is never a spotted one; everyone knows that. The thing is though, when one of those dogs becomes a racing greyhound and is then stared at with utmost seriousness by his owner outside of the dogtrack, he will feel more comfortable acting as a living ventilator , standing on a platform and staring (in the same way) at a rabbit mounted on a stick, allowing the owner many leisurely afternoons relaxing in his favorite armchair, no longer needing to breathe on his own. Now you see?

Lisa: I don't know what's happening, is that a real rabbit or a stuffed one? I do wish people wouldn't hurt innocent animals just to prove a point.

His and Furs

Jesse: Yeah divorce is hard for the kids but face it their self esteem was probably not so hot in the first place and at least it gives them an excuse to cling to when they're a forty-eight year old shoe store employee suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, bad credit and crippling depression. Dogs on the other hand have no inherent problems but end up getting sub-divided into these demarcated zones, looking all like 19th century Africa, trying to smile even though getting pet so much in one area makes their fur burn. Shit's tough.

Lisa: I was unaware that dogs have maps but what an interesting thing. Now when I pet a dog I can pretend that I am traveling; there are places I've never been, like West for example, and now I can pet West and what a fine place it is out there! Also the South is nice too, who doesn't love a good belly rub!!! It makes a lot of sense that I live in the Northeast, wagging tails are the most fun of all things dog. You know how humans used to have tails like a long time ago? Well I bet mine was wagging lots and lots way back then.